MOM-”ME”-HOOD

Some decisions alter the core of your life! They shift the centre of your entire universe and reshape your prospects and possibilities. One such decision in my life was motherhood! Right from the time I decided to have a baby, it became the focal point of my existence. This journey from a fetus to an actual baby and then another one became the polestar of my life! Everything else had been subjected to its influence. My likes, dislikes, dreams, goals and vacations…even my clothes! All suited to be a prompt and efficient mom!

I wanted to be a perfect mom to my daughters. I wanted to give my best every single day. Don’t we all? And so I went on with purposeful determination and a will that will put the devils to shame! For there is no warrior greater than a mother. When she decides she wants the best, even heavens bow before her will. I’ve worked hard to be the reason my kids run around with a twinkle in their eyes and nothing compares to that joy. I love every bit of this journey and I wouldn’t give trade this joy for anything in the world. But there was something that was willfully neglected in this fierce pursuit of motherhood. ME

I happened to run past the mirror one day as I chased after my younger daughter, and what caught my eye did not the most fascinating reflection. Staring back at me was a dismal figure with dreary eyes and a tired face. Messy hair that looked nowhere close to the just out of bed look and sunken eyes that were a testimony to sleepless nights. Appalled by my appearance I asked myself... Is this really me? A mother’s conscience immediately replied, “Yes of course, you’re a mom now, isn't that how moms are supposed to be.” Weird physical aches and pains and partying hormones causing erratic mood swings became the panoramic snapshot of my day. As all these thoughts rallied through my head, I took another look at myself in the mirror. I looked like a mere shadow of my former self. It made me really think, was I losing myself in my tryst to be a better mom? Was this really how I was living the dream, by ignoring “ME”? The real me falling between the cracks! I couldn’t really spot the real “me”, the person that I was and still am. Plummeting headfirst into my motherhood journey, somewhere along the way, I guess I left myself behind.

Maybe I was discounting myself, but it wasn’t too late. Life showed me the mirror – quite literally and thankfully not all was lost. I realized in good time that to be a good mom, I need to be a happy mom too. “The most” Clichéd thought ever eh? But it’s the bitter truth. The first step to being a good mom is to be a better YOU and a better ME. Our kids learn more from our actions than our words. If you lose your sense of self and identity in an attempt to be a better mother, you’re setting the wrong example for your child. In a roundabout way you actually end up demonstrating that it’s ok to be a pushover. That it’s ok to compromise on your needs while you’re taking care of your loved ones! That is incorrect and is that really what you want them to pick up? Absolutely not! You want to raise bright and determined individuals with a strong sense of self. But you know what? You can’t really pour from an empty cup. So you have to look after yourself. Once I realized this very simple concept, there were a few things I managed to list down. I reckoned these would help me understand what’s really important for being a better mom, a role model and most importantly a happier person.

FIND YOUR TRIBE

They say your vibe attracts your tribe, there’s no doubt about that. But as mothers’ we sometimes need to swim against the tide and seek our tribe. I’m talking about fellow moms, birthing experts, expecting mothers or just anyone who can offer a shared experience. You deliver a baby and suddenly you’re responsible for a life. Honestly, it freaks you out a little, a lot actually! You have a tiny baby solely dependent on you and it’s your job to keep them alive and healthy. You’ve read the holy grails on breastfeeding, infant care and you felt armed and ready for this. But as a new mom I learned, the hard way, that breastfeeding is rarely the "textbook" experience people often describe. I also learned that the best breastfeeding guidelines don't come from books. You tend to worry about everything from the sound of their sneeze to the colour of their poop. It’s a very unique feeling, tired, conquered and yet the most complete you’ve ever been. Just looking at the baby makes you feel all these emotions. But then once you deliver and life resumes its pace you suddenly notice that now you’re a few pounds (or more) heavier, you survive on naps and you are always tired all day. As if all this wasn’t enough, your hormones start acting out and you’re crying incessantly with absolutely no logical explanation. You envy your working husband, the silliest reasons trigger your rage and even 5 minutes under the shower feels like a spa treatment. Now amidst this hysteria, you really need people who understand you. Mothers with common hardships and similar doubts, the shared battlefield brings people closer together. Someone to hold you when you fall and validate your emotions.

But how do you find your tribe? In my experience, a good start point is a pre-natal activity, be it of yoga or any other support group. Start interacting with fellow moms you meet. Thereon, seek and join online communities that match your interests like breastfeeding support groups, babywearing groups, etc. Physically attending these meets, organize playdates and offer help whenever you can. This helps you find like-minded mothers and you start making new friends. These friends are walking the same path as you. I have sailed through some of my darkest times thanks to them.

NUTRITION

For 9 months at least and even after that, we are literally the home of our child. When in the womb, the baby feeds through us. Post-delivery, it continues to do so through breastfeeding. During pregnancy and lactation, the child is completely dependent upon the mother for nutrition. So it’s obvious that as mothers we need to take utmost care of ourselves so that the child gets the right nutrition for growth. Even when we aren’t breastfeeding, we still remain primary caregivers for our children. Hence, we need to be in optimal physical and mental health. The easiest and surefire way to achieve this is through good nutrition and ample rest. We are literally setting the course for lifelong health with the right nutrition today. It’s no small feat and must be treated as a priority.

EXERCISE

There is no doubt about the fact that we women sport a totally different body after birthing a child. It is extremely satisfying and fulfilling to be a mother. Personally, motherhood has been a boon. I am blessed with two beautiful and compassionate girls. But sometimes, motherhood comes wrapped in a blanket of self-doubts and low self-esteem, especially early on. You’re stumbling around learning about your baby and your instincts are still evolving. The peachy motherhood dream looks very different now. You don’t notice the glow anymore! Your body doesn’t look or feel the same anymore. You want to get up, shake it off and start working out, but there are days you can’t even drag yourself out of bed! You tend to feel lethargic and find every excuse to skip a decent exercise regime. AND THAT’S OK! But it’s precisely these moments when you need to get up and get going. Start with anything, even a casual stroll in the park will get you going, remember baby steps! Even though it’s slow, it’s still progress, so don’t give up on yourself.

Follow the crawl-walk-run-fly approach – Start with a casual walk and slowly start brisk walking. Then move to just half an hour of low-intensity workouts in the first 3 months and slowly build up a workout regime that suits you. Not only does this help you recover faster and replenish your energy levels, but also help relieve stress and postnatal depression. You feel a sense of accomplishment like you’ve completed a task successfully and that gives you a huge boost! Makes you happier and your children are then interacting with a happier, more positive parental figure. Spend a little time exercising and being one with yourself daily, you will surely notice the change. It will give you the creativity, excitement and drive to spend good quality time and be present for your children once you’re back. Remember, Just Move! A little at a time! One day at a time. Just keep going!

SENSE OF PURPOSE

Being a mom is such a fulfilling experience. It makes you happy on so many levels. I don’t think anything compares to the pride and joy of watching that little baby grow up right before your eyes! It’s priceless and why not! After all, you are raising a human being. You are moulding and shaping an individual and a future adult that can contribute to a better world. Which job can be more meaningful than this? As true and benevolent as this sounds, I personally believe that every mom must identify a passion or hobby and pursue it. We’re full-time moms, but also part-time “ME” is essential. Our daily routines, usually look the same and become monotonous. Develop or pursue a hobby that helps take our mind off the mundane routine. Being a mother is fun yet so much of it is exhausting. Honestly, staying at home most days can feel isolating and having a hobby to fall back on keeps you grounded. Something that reminds you of your individuality and brings balance, perspective and fulfilment into their everyday life. Based on the time and support system one can spend time on these activities. If you are a working mom and that’s your passion, it’s great. Or else try finding that little time for yourself and do something that makes you happy. You will come away energized and feel more in control of your life. It’s important that we have at least some (or even one) personal goals apart from those attached to parenthood. Overwhelmed moms may not feel they have time or capacity to start a hobby, but it may be just the thing that’s needed. More often than not these hobbies stay with even when kids get older and don’t need us around as often.

DON’T COMPARE

Whatever you do! DO NOT COMPARE yourself to mothers who seem to have it all under control. The truth is, we’re all in a chaotic mess, stumbling around, making mistakes and learning from them as we try to figure out parenthood. We live in a world dominated by constant social scrutiny and our lives are open books. We are flooded with information from social media, all designed to make us feel like someone out there has it all figured out! That’s a lie…we’re all learning, we’re all growing and every mother’s journey is unique and special. One deadly habit that we are all secretly harbouring is scrolling through Instagram/Facebook feed and comparing your life with what you see there. In spite of knowing that we are all sailing in the same boat, we try and aim to be like those #instamoms moms who seem to be doing all too well. We start wondering why we aren’t able to do enough and that unavoidable feeling of inadequacy sets in. There could be a totally different truth behind that cleverly crafted instamommy you are staring at. You might see their children fluently stringing sentences in Spanish and German, while yours still struggles with ABC. You start speculating your own actions and upbringing style! But that’s not cool! It’s OK to be different …growth looks different for different people. There is no need for that “Mom Guilt”. It’s great to stay connected and sensitize ourselves with worldly progress, but find your PAUSE button and use it often! Identify the fine line between learning and comparison and refrain from overstepping it. Gaining information and knowledge and then adapting that to your ecosystem is important, but not at the cost of your mental peace. Nobody is right or wrong, and no one is perfect. You are an amazing Mom who sometimes hits a rough patch. Giving your personal best is the only way to go, so stop comparing and start living your kid's childhood, these are moments that are will become memories in the blink of an eye.

RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR SPOUSE

The relationship that is most overlooked after becoming a mom, is the one you share with your spouses. “You just don’t understand”, is an often-used bedroom catchphrase and sometimes you’re even reciting it mentally. Your marital relationship often slips to the bottom of the pyramid as the baby consumes a lion’s share of your time. You are so engrossed in being the perfect parent that you barely pay attention to being a good partner. Believe me, it’s a relationship you can afford to compromise on. Your husband is your partner for life. He shares your responsibilities. After all, you’re both working towards a common goal, isn’t it? Just that, as a mother the situation demands more out of you. One simple truth that we often fail to see – our spouse is going through something too. He is experiencing a totally different you, and the new baby with new routines is overwhelming for him too. Try stealing a few moments in the day and just hang out together. Walks, drives, coffee dates, conversations that don’t involve the discussion of a diaper rash or baby poop are invigorating. It definitely helps bring the sanity back into your life and keeps the love alive. We often tend to forget, it’s the love that brought the baby into this world. So the love needs to the refuelled. Your inner “ME” feels safe and loved here. Often it’s a place where we can be ourselves.

FRIENDS

“Sorry ya! I’m a mom now” “I’m busy with my kids” as a new mom, have you ever said that to your old friends when they tried making plans? I think that’s the biggest white lie and the oldest excuse in the book. We want to rid ourselves of the guilt of some “ME” time and that’s why we make this excuse. As a mom of 2 I’m calling bluff on this! Yes you are busy and yes you are wearing multiple hats as a mom. But, connecting with friends is actually an incredible way to relax. Only god and you know how desperately you need to relax, and no that does not make you a bad mom. Spending time with good friends recharges your depleting energy levels and makes life lighter. Just being around them, kicking back and letting your hair loose and sharing a lighthearted joke can me all the self-care you need! A good chat with a friend can be cathartic. When I’m with a dear old’ friend, I have often observed my mind trace itself back to a time when I was just me. It makes me realize that I am more than just a mom! I’m ME. Perhaps this is my version of what we often call “ME TIME”. The key is catching up when we can — even if it’s for 10 minutes — and continuing to periodically touch base. Over a call or a video call or even messages! Opportunities are plenty and distance never separates the hearts that really care!

NATURE

Nature is cheaper than therapy. Spend some time in the day amongst nature or activities that are rustic in nature. It is indeed therapeutic and helps calm your nervous system. It almost has a magical effect on your mood. A barefoot walk on the grass, watering /grooming plants, a walk by the seaside or even breathing fresh air are simple ways to get your daily dose of nature.

YOU ARE THE MOM

As many mouths, so many opinions! Almost everyone knows about the baby more than you do! Have you experienced this? Once you become a mother, you are bombarded with advice (sometimes unsolicited) and guidance from everyone around. All of a sudden everyone is an expert on babies. You are constantly under scrutiny for your actions and the choices you make. It’s overwhelming and leaves you anxious. But remember a mother’s instinct holds a veto over any piece of information or advice. Maternal 'instinct' will immutably drive the mother to respond to their child's needs, so trust that. If your upbringing or mothering style doesn’t go in sync with the so-called societal norms, so be it! You do you! Whether you deliver naturally or vis C-sec, whether you breastfeed or not, Whether you work post-pregnancy or stay back home and raise your baby – IT’S YOUR CHOICE! Only you have the right to make these choices. Do whatever makes you a happy mom. There will be good days and bad days. There will also be days when you will cry in bed, for not being the mom you wished to be. It’s normal. Let’s accept that we are human beings first, we make mistakes too! We need to step down from the pedestal we place ourselves on and think like normal human beings who are flawed and constantly evolving. “To err is human, to forgive divine”. So forgive yourself, accept your flaws gracefully. Pat your own back for giving your best. Get up, be your biggest fan and brace yourself for yet another day into motherhood! Love yourself and your family dearly and protect them fiercely. Stop the pity party and take charge because for your child you are the world.

SELF-CARE

Here I am writing something that I rarely practice, or I rather say that I am trying to practice. I hope I have some partners in crime on this one! But on a serious note, that hair spa, the new haircut and that long-pending afternoon nap! They’re all screaming self-care and it really helps boost your morale. Just do that for once. Feeling good about yourself helps others have a better experience of you. Small little things like being mindful of your appearance like wearing lipstick or applying kohl or accessorizing with some smart clothes. They speak volumes about your self-perception and attitude towards yourself. It influences your personal behaviour as well as your conduct with people you interact with. No matter how dull and low you feel, you will feel better if you do things for yourself. So shake off the blues mama- Get up! Dress up, show up. You will soon start to feel better about yourself and that’s the secret to becoming a mom.

Finally, it is said, “The most important relationship is the one that you have with yourself.” So focusing on yourself is like focusing on your inner chi, it impacts all aspects of your life. Having a better inner “ME” makes you a better person and consequently a better version of yourself in every role you play. I’m sure by now you’re neck-deep in the gyaan I’ve poured out! But hey, you’re a mom and I am one too! We’re flawed, we’re growing and we’re all in this together.